Trusting Butterflies

I know, I know, I have not blogged in quite some time.  Tsk, tsk, tsk.  I actually feel kinda loved by my readers as I’ve gotten a few requests to get back to it.  So, here I am, after many months, I’m back.  I thought the best way to enter back into the blog is to talk about the big change in my life.  As hard as it is to believe… this girl is now in a happy, healthy relationship.

For the majority of my adult life, I have been single.  And although I never wanted to define who I am by this factor, the truth of the matter is, it sort of did.  I was proud to be single and not in a disfunctional, unhappy relationship.  I was always proud to be single and still be happy.

After what felt like a hundred failed attempts at dating, I had resigned myself to the fact that I just may not find the one.  And, I wasn’t all that scared about it.  If I wanted to have kids, I could still do that.  I don’t need a committed relationship to have a child.  After all, I could just get inseminated.  And then, I could find emotional connections with my closest girl friends.  Of course, the obvious part would still be missing.  But, I could fill my life with enough of the other stuff to compensate.  And then it happened… 

I’d like to say it was when I “least expected it”, but I guess when you meet someone through a dating website, it’s not exactly when you’re “least expecting it”.  However, I do have to say, I had kinda given up on the online dating.  But, while I was dealing with some more futile dating attempts, I said to myself, “Self, go out with someone from online you think you might like and take your mind off the stupid dating things that are going on.”  I didn’t even shower for the date!  I wore a zip up sweatshirt and figured it would be another non-evolving date, but at the very least I could have fun with it.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, this date was not that at all.  Wait a second, he was smart, attractive, successful and able to keep my attention in a conversation?  On top of that, he listened when I talked, asked probing questions that didn’t cross a line, and acted like a gentleman…? What was wrong with this guy?  As our lunch date progressed into a coffee date where we strolled around my downtown neighborhood for 2 plus hours just talking, I started to think to myself… This guy has some substance!  This is a god-damn miracle!

And then it happened… I started having a real adult relationship with a man.  When we wanted to see each other, we told each other, when we liked something, we shared it, when one of us had plans with other friends, we honored those plans and no one tried to control anything.  It was all just so natural and easy.  I couldn’t believe it!  This is what a real healthy relationship is like.  One where we communicate, appreciate individuality, and genuinely care about each others happiness.  And by caring about each others happiness, that means we think about how our actions will affect the other one, regardless if we’re together or apart.

Ok, I could go on forever about this, but the truth of the matter is, I’ve found a man I can settle down with, and not be settling.  I tell him, “you make me happier” because he does.  But he doesn’t make me “happy” because I was happy before he came into my life.  I am striving to make sure we both maintain our individuality as we continue to mesh our lives together and I honestly believe this is the real thing.  I had been waiting for butterflies forever.  Butterflies are fun, but when they are butterflies you trust, it’s a whole new ballgame.

Hold onto Sixteen

Today I feel like time is flying by.  My oldest nephew has turned 16.  I can seriously remember the day he was born.  I even remember how when he was little, I would sit in front of the tv with him laying on my legs as I sat cross legged.  He fit so perfect there like a peanut in a shell.  Now he’s over 6 feet tall and towers over me! 

There’s this song, Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp.  I loved it when I was a kid… I used to sing it all the time and I remember the part “Hold onto sixteen as long as you can”.  When I was young, I told myself I would do just that.  Well, those 365 days of 16 slipped right through my hands.  But thinking back, it was a pretty good year.  Thanks to my brother-in-law (my nephew’s dad), I learned how to drive.  Thanks to my Uncle D, I was able to take the driving test.  And thanks to my superior 3 point turn, the DMV dude excused the part that when he said reverse in a straight line, I forgot to put the car in reverse.  And thanks to Auntie Lo-ey, I got a bad ass 1989 Oldmobile Cutlass Ciera.

Remember how cool it was to get your license?  It was the first taste of freedom.  Bumper stickers were the way you could express yourself (Mean people suck).  And back in those days, you could actually drive with friends.  Turning up the radio and screaming the lyrics and feeling like a real grown up.  Being in innocent and unblemished love.  Field trips into Boston.  Coming and going as we pleased (within curfew of course).  OH… and the backseat… hehe.

Sixteen is definitely a defining age.  I hope my nephew “holds onto sixteen as long as he can”.  I would never go back (too much that I hadn’t learned yet and have now been through the sometimes painful lessons), but I can live vicariously through him. 

Happy Birthday Paul! Stay out of the backseat 😉

Flying Tales

Today, as I sit in the Phoenix airport waiting to board a plane to visit my sister and her family, I am reminded of how flying generally put us in situations with people we would not normally even be in the same room with.  Like now for instanc,e the lady to my right is literally clipping her finger nails.  I am about ready to grab the nail clippers out of her hand and give her a little lesson on manners.  She’s letting the clippings fall all over the airport.  Really lady?  Really? 

This reminds me of some of my flying adventures. 

The tuna fish lady.  Ok, so I am flying back to San Francisco from visiting my family in Boston and as we start to take off the lady next to me sets up shop.  Oh yeah, I’m also in the middle seat.  So she pulls out her packed lunch and, yup, of course it’s a tuna fish sandwich.  Anyone who knows me KNOWS how much I hate the smell of tuna fish.  So, at this point, I am breathing through my mouth trying not to lose MY lunch when the flight attendant comes by to offer drinks.  The tuna fish lady asks for milk and the flight attendant informs her that milk is not available (ok, who drinks milk w/ a tuna fish sando?).  Her next request is for tomato juice, obviously, what is better than a nice glass of tomato juice with tuna?  Not anything I can think of.  So she proceeds to pour every last drop of the tomato juice out in her cup and then… right as the can is completely empty she elbows the ENTIRE cup onto me, right in my lap.  Awesome lady, while you’re at it, why don’t you just rub the rest of your sando on my shirt (vomit).  That ended up being a lovely trip. 

The barf bag lady.  Heading to Boston from San Francisco.  I have the aisle seat this time, so I feel as if it must be better.  Right?  I am in happy flying land with my ipod playing some rad tunes for my enjoyment and reading through a trash magazine.  When out of the corner of my eye I notice the lady in the middle seat start to reach for something in the seat pocket.  Not thinking much of it, I continue to read about Paris Hilton’s latest escapades.  And then it happened.  I felt something on my leg.  And I couldn’t have been more grossed out.  This women got air sick and did not get it all into the complementary barf bag.  Luckily we were landing, so there was not much time I had ot spend with vomit on my jeans.  But, unluckily, we were landing, so no one could get out of their seats.  By the time I got off that God forsaken flight, I was happy to “clean” up.  And then came out to the terminal to be greated by my neice and nephew running to hug me and after close ot 6 months of not seeing them, I had to push them away and say, don’t hug me.  ALR has vomit on her clothes.  Welcome home!

There are many other stories that I have encountered from the crying baby when we were sitting on the runway. To the crazy guy who felt the need to tell me everything about his life. 

Let’s hope this flight is less eventful.

Because You’re Worth It

No… this is not  L’Oreal commercial…

As we know, I’m single.  Yup, been single for pretty much all of my adult life.  Here is my ode to anyone who asks me again… How are you single…

• Don’t let yourself be someone’s back-up plan …
• Don’t let a week go by without that person making you feel special…
• Don’t allow someone to lie or cheat on you…
• If someone treats you in a way you would never treat them, say good bye…
• If you are the one who always is giving some of yourself without reciprocation, let go…
• Don’t stay for fear of another failed relationship…
• When you find that you are worried, sad, upset more than 25% of the time due to the relationship, move on… 
• If you find that you are more interested in making a person happy than they are in your happiness, forget them…
• The day you start to make excuses to yourself about why someone is not treating you like they should, Move on…
• And when you meet that person who appreciates your beauty, inside and out, respects you and your beliefs and would do whatever they could to make you smile, HOLD ON TIGHT!
• …BECAUSE YOU’RE WORTH IT

And if you don’t believe you’re worth it… Happiness will never be yours.  And believe me… Happiness is possible… Even if you’re single!

I’d love to have you all add on what else you think… What are the non-negotiables that should never keep someone in a committed status… When is it time to be single..? Because you’re worth it!

My Happiness is Mine

I am in such a good place these days.  I had quite a life changing realization this past month.  I realized that my happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else except me.  Yes, others can bring me down for a bit, things that happen to me can make me sad, situations I find myself in can frustrate me, but happiness, pure happiness is mine to have and keep.  I do feel a bit “Polly Anna” saying this and a little less “Boston”, but the truth is, I have found my own happiness. 

I think my key to being happy is, taking control of my life.  I decided I wanted to go to grad school, and I did; I decided I was going to quit smoking and cut back on drinking, and I have; I decided I wanted to be a runner, now I am; I decided I would only maintain healthy relationships and let the unhealthy fade away, and I have.  Once I took that control of my own life , I started to do things for other people.  When my friend has something he/she needs to talk about, I make myself available to listen/support right away.  If someone is going through a tough time, I provide whatever I can to help them through it.  My giving and supporting others actually  provides me with my own happiness.  In some ways, I start to feel bad helping others because it makes me feel so good.  (It’s like that episode of Friends where Phoebe wants to do a good deed without it making herself feel good, so she decides to let a bee sting her and then realizes that the bee died… FAIL).  Either way, by pushing myself to be a better person, mentally, physically and in my relationships with others, I seriously have found my happiness.

I hope in some small way, this will help anyone else who depends on others for their happiness realize that it is YOU who controls it.  You should never depend on someone else for a smile within yourself. 

It’s been a while, but I’m back blog-sphere… and I’m happy 🙂

Outside the Zone

Over the past few months, I have been pushing myself to push the limits and go outside of my comfort zone.  I have tried to stop saying I can’t do that… and instead say… I am trying.  Maybe this is what they call “becoming an adult”?  Grabbing life by the horns and saying, “I’m not going to let life live me, I’m going to live life.”  (Not sure if that even makes sense… but it makes sense to me.)

Anyway, in this new found space of pushing and growing, I am realizing that no matter what, there will always be ways to become a better person.

I had a talk last night with a friend and we discussed working hard for things.  We are both very much on the same wavelength when it comes to pushing and working hard.  And as I thought of it more, I truly believe that my happiness comes from my work.  And I’m not talking about my work, as in job, I’m talking about the work I put into my life.  The work I put into developing and maintaining relationships with people, the work I put into keeping myself sane and focused, the work I put into staying healthy, the work I put into continually learning, the work I put into being honest with mysef and those around me, etc… 

I am being completely sincere when I tell you, I am a happy and content person.  I love my life and I think that’s because I have worked for each facet of it.  Of course, it also has to do with how lucky I am to have such supportive family and friends… but if I didn’t continue working on those relationships, those would be lost.

In the end… work may not be easy, but every step, every word and every gesture is worth it.  Because when things start to go right in our worlds and we’ve put in the effort to make it that way… It’s all that much sweeter.

Funny Story 1.0

I like to tell funny stories from my past.  Truth is, very often I’ll start a story with that phrase… “funny story”… So here it is:

Funny story… I was going clubbing in San Francisco.  The spot was the Top of the Mark.  Since this is at the top of the hotel, it required an elevator ride to get there.  Well, we pack the elevator full of peeps and this guy turns around and asks me if what I had around my neck was a necklace?  I, being very excited about this, proceed to tell him “yes, and it’s attached to the shirt!”.  I was so proud of my new shirt.  His response… “Well, I think it’s ugly”.  I was pissed.  And without even missing a beat, I respond with, “Well, I can take this off when I get home tonight.  What are you going to do about your face!?”  And the elevator ROARED with laughter.  It was literally Def Comedy jam style.  Epic.

The Lives of Friendship

Friendship can be defined in a myriad of ways.  And we all have different friends who fill different roles. 

• The childhood friends – The friends who have been there with me since forever and I can call them up after months of not talking and we can dish about our lives and experiences with the feeling that we haven’t missed a day of talking.  They know all I’ve been through, I know all they’ve been through, we know all about what makes each other great and what makes each other suck.  But, no matter what, we accept each other, flaws and all. 
• Friends that are family – These are the ones I share a direct blood line with.  These are the friends who understand where we all come from and why we’re all a bit crazy.  We provide solace at long family events by entertaining each other with jokes and ridicule.  No matter what we love each other… because we’re family and we’re actually pretty cool to hang around too.
• My SF family friends –  These are the friends I made in San Francisco who have become more like my family away from home.  These are the people who are on my emergency contacts, offer to bring me soup when I’m sick, listen for hours about my life experiences (past, present and hopes for future) and I indulge in the same for them.  We’re honest with each other and love each other as we continue to learn more and more about what makes us all tick.
• Party time friends – These friends are always up for a good time.  And when we are hanging out over a brew, glass of wine, or martini, we laugh.  We are not quite as deep into each others lives as I am with the other friends, but if either of us ever reached out to the other and said “I need you”, we would be there.
• Work friends – These are the 9-6ers that keep me sane.  In the throes of it… Crazy busy day, it’s imperative to have a person you can say… $(@#&*@ to and have them say “I understand”!
• Long lost friends – These are the friends I haven’t talked to in a long time.  However, I still consider them my friends.  We shared a moment back when and those moments cemented a friendship.  We may not know much about what goes on in each other’s lives now, but we do know that we are friends.
• Former friends – Well, we all have them.  Those friends who were great at one time, but for one reason or another we have decided that we are no longer friends.  Maybe it was through a break-up, maybe it was through just letting go, maybe it was because that person was an egocentric b!&$# but either way, we are no longer considering each other friends.

All of these categories serve a purpose.  Some friends cannot be put into one, but actually make up many of them.  However, I am thankful for each and every one of you.  I met a person a few years back and she told me that I was her only close friend.  I was flabbergasted by this statement.  I hadn’t even considered her one of my close friends, yet she looked at me as one of her only friends.  I am truly blessed in my life by friends.  I cannot even imagine a life without all of them.  I have divided them into broad categories, but they do all fill a certain part of my heart and life.  There’s the friend I call when I’m devastated, when I get a promotion, when I’m in love, when I’m broken, when I’m excited, when I’m embarking on a new adventure, when I’m just plain old bored.

Maybe I’m in a sentimental mood today, but for those of you who I consider a friend of old, new, past or even those who are in my future, I thank you.  I am who I am because I have had you in my life.  A friend is the universe’s way of saying… “you’re worth it.”

Dating and the “Get it Now” Generation

Whether we want to admit it or not, we are the “Get it Now” generation.  We entered our teen years and adulthood with the computer, the cell phone, the internet, the digital camera, etc.  All of these things perpetuate our lack of patience and our constant availability.  In turn, we are used to having things at our fingertips, so when it comes to dating and there is no “get it now”, how are we to handle that?

I am the youngest in my family.  I have sisters and a brother who are over a decade older than me.  As a kid growing up, I had one of these family members who was in the dating scene.  The others married pretty much the only significant other I can remember.  Anyway, my sister who was the dater had a much different dating life than I do now.  First of all, she had to either wait by the phone for a guy to call back, or go out and let him get the answering machine (or little sister).  Another important fact is, there was NO EMAIL, NO FACEBOOK AND NO TEXTING.  Ok, so these guys had to actually grow a pair, pick up the phone and have a conversation.  Imagine that!? 

Beyond the contacting portion of dating, I truly believe that the “get it now” mentality has translated in some ways that are not reasonable.  There is the obvious “get it now” after the first date, but to be honest I don’t think that’s changed much than how it was for our predescessors.  I look at this as I do a digital camera.  You take a picture, you look at it, you decide if you look fat or it’s your bad side, delete it and take another.  OR, you love it and immediately upload it to your social networking site and share with the world.  Now, when it comes to dating, we go out on the first date, we take that snap shot, decide if we want to just delete it or we have such a great time that we want to fast forward to bed or to the next step.  Therefore, we delete or we upload to the world.

The instant availability of “get it now” also can get us in trouble.  Let’s admit it.  We go on a date, have a great time, do not “get it now” and then decide to wait a few days to hear from him/her or call him/her.  Well, all that gets thrown out the window when we’ve had 3 martinis and decide, let’s text this person and say hi.  Back in the day this was NOT an option.  And usually, by the time you actually got to a phone there was a reasonable voice in the back of your head that said… it’s too late, I’ll call tomorrow.  But, when you wake up sober, that call no longer seems necessary.

All in all, I think the “get it now” generation needs to try and be patient.  But how is one to do so when we’re so used to instant gratification?  Put that one in your pipe and smoke it!

Censorship

I was really excited to start this blog.  I always have crazy things happening to me and those moments evolve into some pretty interesting stories.  However, after I started blogging, I quickly figured out that a majority (if not all) of my readers know who I am.  Therefore, I have to censor what I say a bit.  I mean, if I talked about my work, dating life or any experiences with people in my life who could read this, then I could quickly turn my personal life into a public freakshow instead of a private one.

Well… you know what?  I’m sick of censoring… It’s causing me to experience writers block.  I can’t write with my heart, soul and sharp witt 😉  without pouring myself into it.  And that is NOT why I started doing this.

So people… I’m switching gears… I’m not going to censor.  I won’t use real names, but let’s be honest, most of you will know who you are. 

This blogger’s back!